TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
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My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”