JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
You Might Also Like
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
the three genders
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
How actors in movies eat their food
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.