her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
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y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.