Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
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grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain