If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
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My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.