If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
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Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”