If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
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My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Any refunds available?…
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.