If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
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People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”