If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
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How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
This headline is a thing of beauty
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
The Compass
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting