Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
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But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Florida be like…
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.