“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
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I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please