My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
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My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”