My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
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Me in tagged photos
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you