I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
You Might Also Like
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
True.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
the prophecy has been fulfilled
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.