Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
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Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?