I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
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“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
*frowns in Scottish*
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Never forget.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.