“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
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Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.