I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
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I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.