it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
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When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face