This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
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“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
I am, perchance
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”