I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
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Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…