ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
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Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Holy crap this is wonderful