@Proxic0n

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

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@ch000ch

waiter: have you decided

me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds

my date, who is a raccoon: perfect

@TheHyyyype

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

@MelvinofYork

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

@Tommytoughstuff

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

@pleatedjeans

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

@bossy_bootz

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

@AnniemuMary

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed