[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
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First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Traveler’s camo
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.