First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
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I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it