I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
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*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem