I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
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How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.