I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
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“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling