I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
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Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*