Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
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They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Not all heroes wear capes.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much