You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
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It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR