if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
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A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”