A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
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“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor