hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
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You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”