‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
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After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.