Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
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[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
You can’t rush stupid.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.