Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
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Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨