police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
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[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Canadian owl: Eh?
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*