[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
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It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas