Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
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Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Love is in the air fryer.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog