Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
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Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
cats when you pet them too long:
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.