Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
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Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Scream sneezers need love too.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.