My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
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Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Stop being racist to kettles.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*