closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
You Might Also Like
Shortcut
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Aw man, but that’s the best part
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
This was my dad’s browser history.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
#Caturday
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
guys I’m going home
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”