closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
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So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
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There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
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Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that