My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
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“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Oh yeah that’s it
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting