Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
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LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Ken is short for chicken
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while