last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
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Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
grotesque if literal: baby food
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
#FunnyLife Insects
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention