If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
You Might Also Like
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Incredible customer service.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
wishing you and yours all the best
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please