Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
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“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
But that’s none of my business
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.