The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
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me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
can’t talk my ride’s here
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”