Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
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Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Cake safety first. Always.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
May never get over this
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?