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My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Beauty and the Beast
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!