I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
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“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
same energy
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
had to make it
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.